At least I was having a decent hair night...sorta.

My physician wants to get to the bottom of this Suz Not Sleeping thing, although I have mixed feelings about resolving the situation. I get a LOT done in the wee hours, and I’ve never found a sleeping pill that didn’t leave me feeling like a zombie in the morning. But I do think my days would benefit from more restful nights, so off I went to a sleep study last week.

I reported to the lab at 8pm, where my technician, Rese, spent an hour wiring me up with sensors all over my head, chest and legs. Dealing with the miles of wires was kind of a hassle but only the sensor on my throat bothered me. Then Rese handed me the tv remote control and told me to signal her when I was ready to go to sleep (the signal was to briefly remove the oxygen thingy from my finger, to interrupt the reading).

It didn’t take long to figure out that Advanced Sleep Medicine Services Incorporated is a pretty sneaky sis, because you’re basically immobilized and their cable channels totally suck so there’s no reason to stay awake. I found Fox, CBS, fifteen Spanish language channels, twice that many in various Asian languages, and TV Albania, I kid you not. I kept hitting Channel Up, hoping for something Bollywood or, geez, even the Golf Channel would have been sufficient. But no. So I turned off the tube, caaaaarrrefullllllllyyyyy rolled over without disconnecting myself from my scientific tethers, waved at the spy camera and tried to fall asleep.

You know how that usually goes…trying to fall asleep. Yeah. And falling asleep is not usually my problem. It’s staying asleep that eludes me. I managed to doze off after about 40 minutes, I think.

At 1am, Rese woke me up to fit me with a bi-pap mask. (Sorry, no pix. Dude!!) This is a plastic mask that fits over the nose and mouth and blows warm, humid air into you, to keep your airway open while you sleep. More wires and tubes, yay. The forced air didn’t bother me, but the mask freaked me the fuck out. There is no other way to say it. I suffered a legit panic attack complete with racing heartbeat, hyperventilation, uncontrollable sobs and a distinct and terrifying sensation of hurtling through space like a spiraling football. Plus, the mask was making my temperature skyrocket.

I tried to talk myself down from this hysteria, tried deep and slow breathing and creative visualization and all that jazz, but nothing helped. After a while (I have no idea how long, but it was as long as I could manage — maybe forty minutes?) I sat up, planting my feet firmly on the ground in an attempt to stop the madness. A few moments later, Rese appeared and removed the awful mask from my gasping face.

It was not my finest moment.

Rese suggested I spend a little while unmasked, relaxing, and she transferred my oxygen meter thingy from my finger to my big toe so I could crochet. Yeah, other than the big freakout in the middle and all the sensors, this night turned out like most nights: fitful sleep, then ninety minutes of rhythmic, restful crochet, then more fitful sleep.

Around 3:30am Rese asked if I felt like trying again. I really did not want to, but I sucked it up and let her strap me into a different mask. This time I was meditating from the start, in addition to being that much more tired, and I managed to doze off for an hour or two before she woke me and sent me on my way at 6am.

I haven’t heard the results yet but I desperately hope I do not have sleep apnea. That mask and I did not. get. along.

If you have any experience with CPAP or BIPAP and can talk me down, I’d really appreciate a pep talk…